Mixed Signals

Like many people, I've been curious about life on other planets. Unlike many people, I was skeptical about there being life advanced enough to hurtle through the cosmos to web cam us directly. That is, until this past weekend, when I was driving up to Lancaster and Amish Country. I was tiring of listening to music and wanted to see if there was anything worthwhile on the radio.

I bought my present car in February and have never used the radio. There simply was no need. But, I had a wild hair up my butt so I flipped it on. The presets didn't jive with the local broadcasts, but I did stumble across something interesting.

Very interesting.

I seemed to pick up on a conversation. There was some low-grade crackle, but other than that, it was pretty clear. From what I could make out, there were two guys talking to each other. One was named Narf and the other was...

"Ivek!"

The other was named Ivek.

Ivek: "What?"

Narf: "I just read your report on your last trip to Earth. You've gotta be floopin' me."

Ivek: "No flooping involved. All of that is true. Swear to Kag."

Narf: "It says here you went to something called a zoo. What's a zoo? That sounds like one of OUR words."

Ivek: "It's a place where they keep animals from all over the world."

Narf: "You mean like cows and sheep and cats and dogs?"

Ivek: "Not exactly. More like giraffes and ostriches and platypuses."

Narf: "Come again?"

Ivek: "Weird animals. Big animals. Dangerous animals."

Narf: "Like Miley Cyrus?"

Ivek: "Not THAT dangerous, but almost as deadly."

Narf: "Well, did you get any pictures?"

Ivek: "Um, no. My cell phone doesn't have that feature. But I took copious notes."

Narf: "Oh, beautiful. Don't do us any favors like - oh, I don't know - DOING YOUR JOB!"

Ivek: "Hey, man, I told you I'm getting an iPhone for my birthday. That cost of living raise I got..."

Narf: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, tell me what you've got."

Ivek: "There's this thing called a giraffe. It's like this huge kick-ass antelope with a neck about as long as a canoe."

Narf: "A canoe? You come up with the strangest comparisons."

Ivek: "And it can eat leaves from the tops of trees and it has this enormous tongue..."

Narf: "Ivek, are you aware of our drug screening policy?"

Ivek: "Swear to Kag, Narf. It had eyelashes like Marilyn Monroe, too."

Narf: "Ah, Marilyn. She was one of mine, you know. Hit a home run with the boys down in R&D with that cupcake. Remember when Simmons tried to create a knock-off of Marilyn? That back-stabbing son-of-a-wunch. But, I got the last laugh, though. I created a pop culture icon and all he could come up with is..."

Ivek: "Madonna. I know. I think it's on your business card. Can we get back to my report?"

Narf: "You kids today..."

Ivek: "Next was a camel."

Narf: "They have cigarettes in this zoo place?"

Ivek: "No, a camel is known as "the ship of the desert." It can go long distances without any water and can carry heavy loads. Some camels have one hump while others have two."

Narf: "They humped right there in front of you?"

Ivek: "No, they have these bumps on their backs where they store fat."

Narf: "Sounds like my wife."

Ivek: "And they spit."

Narf: "Sounds like my wife."

Ivek: "They smell awful. I guess just like your..."

Narf: "Don't you dare say it (under his breath) punk."

Ivek: "Ok, then there's what they call the King of the Jungle. It's known as a lion."

Narf: "So it lives in the jungle?"

Ivek: "Actually, no. It lives in the plains and grasslands. But, I guess King of the Grasslands didn't sound sexy enough."

Narf: "As if you know sexy."

Ivek: "Anyway, it's this huge cat with a big mane..."

Narf: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! A cat?"

Ivek: "A big cat."

Narf: But, it's still a cat. There's nothing special about that. Did they have a housefly exhibit? How about hermit crabs?"

Ivek: "How do you know about hermit crabs?"

Narf: "I had one as a kid."

Ivek: "Well, this one is big and it eats buffalos and zebras and wildebeests. The females do all the hunting and one alpha male has several females for himself. Oh, and it sleeps up to 20 hours a day."

Narf: "That's it. I'm changing my name to "Lion". Get me a notary."

Ivek: "Then there's the platypus. Now, you'll never believe this...

Narf: "Let me guess. Looks like a beaver with a duck's bill, webbed feet, lays eggs even though it's a mammal and is one of the few mammals that is poisonous because of a spur it has on its heel."

Ivek: "Um, yeah. How did you know?"

Narf: "Lucky guess. What else do you have for me?"

Ivek: "Well, we have chimpanzees. Many Earth scientists believe humans evolved from them."

Narf: "You mean humans have evolved? I thought they were devolving."

Ivek: "Chimpanzees have shown the ability to use tools, live peacefully in social societies, communicate and show compassion for each other."

Narf: "As opposed to humans who hate each other, kill people and can't program their VCRs."

Ivek: "Well, it's just a theory."

Narf: "I have a theory. Maybe we should abduct chimpanzees instead of humans. It says here that they also fling crap at each other. What's that called?"

Ivek: "Political campaigning."

I lost the signal after that, but I heard all I needed. Truth, when it comes from an objective source, can be a real kick in the groin. It opened me up to a lot of things to think about. The questions came flying at me like a swarm of bees. This was big. Huge. Maybe we weren't the smartest life forms on the planet, let alone the in the universe. Maybe there are questions and discussions to be entertained that extend beyond our own shallow, self-absorbed, ego-centric lives. Maybe we ARE devolving. 99.9% of all creatures that ever lived on this planet are now extinct. Maybe, just maybe, we have run our course and we're just a bomb, disease, asteroid or laser beam from some middle-management alien away from total annihilation. My head was swimming. I promised myself to only think of the most important things in life, so I turned on the CD player, since I do my best thinking to music, and turned up the volume:

"I'mmmmmm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt..."

You know, I think I'm the mood for a taco.