Steak

Steak.

The word alone inspires a reaction in me that can only be described as primordial. My gums start throbbing and I can feel my canine teeth drop and sharpen. I actually have to physically irritate my gums to the point of making them bleed just to find some sort of relief. It doesn't matter if I have a belly full of rib-eye, pasta or cold Spaghetti-Os already - I still get the same reaction by the mere mention of the word "steak."

Millions of years ago, our slope-headed forefathers came up with the idea of eating steak. I imagine it was by process of elimination that they eventually came upon the idea to eat cooked meat. It probably went down something like this in a cave many, many years ago:

Ook: "Hey! Hey, Og! Are you awake?"

Og: "I am NOW."

Ook: "Let's eat something different today."

Og: "What, are you tired of eating tree bark already?"

Ook: "No, tree bark has its place, but I'm craving something a little more robust."

Og: "Robust? Where the hell did you come up with THAT word? Are you confusing walking 'upward' with 'upwardly mobile'?"

Ook: "C'mon, man. I'm jonesing for something different..."

Larry: "Will you two keep it down? I'm trying to sleep in my own filth here."

Og: "Sorry, Larry, it's just that Ook was..."

Larry: "I KNOW what Ook was doing. Look, just shake your butts out of the cave and eat whatever you see until you find something you like."

Our two heroes looked at each other, shrugged their shaggy shoulders and set out to find something new to eat. It was a cloudy day and it looked like a storm was on its way, so they decided to look for one hour before returning back to the cave. Ook had the bright idea to grab a handful of rocks. It was a bad idea. Og was a little more discerning. He spotted a plant just beyond the cave, ripped off some leaves and popped them in his mouth. As he chewed, Ook was busy nibbling on a wafer of dried mud.

Ook: "You know what, Og? I'm beginning to hate Larry. This was an awful idea."

Og: "Hey, Larry's ok. We might just find something decent to eat. After all, remember the time...WHOA!"

Ook: "What? What is it?"

Og: "I'm buzzing, man. What kind of bush was that? Everything is so weird. I think...I think..."

Ook: "You think what?"

Og: "I think I need some chocolate."

Ook: "Chocolate hasn't been invented yet."

Og: "Don't bring me down, man. We have to find something to eat and quick. I have the munchies."

So they made a pact to walk 500 steps and try the first thing they saw, as thunder rumbled in the distance. Just to prove to you guys haven't changed all that much since our cave-dwelling days, let's listen in to their conversation as they walked.

Og: "...so I said to Larry, 'Hey, man, a girl knows if she'll sleep with you within the first five minutes of meeting you. Playing the sensitive guy-friend gets you a one-way ticket to Nowheresville'"

Ook: "You would think someone as smart a Larry would know that. Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you - I ran into that cute chick from over the hills the other day."

Og: "The one with the great rack?"

Ook: "Yeah. I don't know how she brought down that deer, but I was in love. Those were some impressive antlers."

Og: "Dude, you'd fall in love with a tree if the knothole was big enough..."

As you can see, we've come a long way in our evolution. When they crested the hill, they saw a large elk. It snorted at them and bounded away. But it left a present behind. As Ook and Og walked closer, they could see it was an impressive pile of dung. Ook shot a sideways glance at Og and took a slow, careful step backwards.

Ook: "Um, you first."

Og: "Look, man, I'm stoned, not stupid."

Ook: "Imagine it's chocolate."

Og: "Don't mess with me, man! Don't go harshing my mellow!"

After making yet another pact to not make any more stupid pacts, they soldiered on until they came to an old, gnarled tree standing alone in a field.

Og: "Ah, I love this tree! This is the tree where I kissed my first girlfriend. I tried to carve our initials in it, but.."

Ook: "But you didn't know how to spell since the alphabet hasn't been invented yet. Hell, you don't even have a last name! Hmm, this tree has a lot of knotholes..."

Og: "Don't get any ideas, smart guy!"

It's at this point the narrator interrupts the proceedings to remind them this story is about steak and if they don't pick up the pace, he's going to scrap the storyline and write about Larry. So, they climbed up the tree to get a better look at their surroundings. The sky was getting dark. Then Og found an abandoned honeybee hive. He broke it open and tasted the sweet honeycomb.
Og: "I think we found a winner!"

Ook was busy licking a sticky substance from the trunk of the tree.

Og: "Hey, you pervert! We're supposed to be finding food, not having tree-porn!"

Ook: "Chill out, man. This stuff is good. If we knew what sugar was, I'd say it tastes sugary."

Og: "You ought to check out this stuff I found up here, it's..."

At that moment, they heard a noise as the elk came pounding and snorting towards them. Ook was so scared, he practically levitated into the upper branches where Og was laughing. In the distance, lightning was crashing through the sky.

Og: "Great. We're treed in an oak by an elk, Ook."

Ook: "Nice alliteration, Shakespeare, but we have a problem. That storm is almost on top of us and we have this lunatic elk between us and the cave. Oh, and this isn't an oak tree."

A bright flash of lightning and loud clap of thunder startled the elk so that it reared up on its hind legs and entangled its horns in the thick branches. It thrashed violently, but only succeeded in getting more enmeshed. Ook and Og saw this as their chance and jumped out of the tree to make their way back to the cave. But, as soon as they hit the ground, a spectacular bolt of lighting ripped through the tree and sent shock waves through the air.

Og: "I'm tripping! I'm tripping, man!"

Ook: "No, Og, it was lightning. It hit the tree. Hey, look!"

Og looked at the tree, which was now in flames.

Og: "Damn, and I just discovered honey. I'm stoned, I'm hungry, I'm tired and I'm not going back to the cave empty handed and have to listen to Larry brag how he invented the Internet. We need a big discovery to show everyone, too."

Ook: "What's that smell? It smells like...summer. It almost smells American..."

The storm blew by quickly, in order to help move the story along, and they slowly walked up to the tree which was extinguished by the rain of the aforementioned quickly-passing storm. The elk, which had been so savagely trying to loosen itself was completely charred. Ook picked up a long stick and started poking at the animal.

Og: "Dude! What the hell are you doing?!"

Ook: "I think it's dead, Og."

He gave it a good whack and opened up a large gash on the dead animal's flank. There was no blood, but there was some sticky substance on the elk. The telltale broken honeycomb was resting conveniently on its shoulder. Og moved in.

Og: "Hey, this smells good. What do you think, Ook? Shall we further the cause of mankind - and this story - to develop into omnivores?"

Ook: "Why not - as long as you go first."

Og ripped off a piece of flank and a chip of honeycomb and popped it into his mouth.

Ook: "Well?"

Og: "It sucks."

Ook: "Them why are you cutting yourself another piece?"

Og: "Shut up, Ook! I told you I'm stoned and hungry! Here, try a piece."

Ook took the morsel into his mouth and bit down. His eyes rolled back in his head, his gums swelled and ached and his teeth felt like they could now break those rocks he tried earlier. The juices flooded his mouth, flossing between his molars. He felt his ample chest hair growing.

Ook: "We have to drag this sucker back."

So, our heroes yanked and tugged and wrestled and cursed the animal, but were getting nowhere. Og reasoned that since they were the first human meat eaters, they didn't have to worry about someone snaking their claim, so they set off back towards the cave. When they returned to the cave, Larry was already awake and they told him what happened.

Ook: "...and Og ate elk poop."

Og: "Did not!"

As Ook and Og argued and Larry say back and laughed at these two idiots, there came a voice from the mouth of the cave.

Betsy: "Anyone home?"

Ook: (whispering) "Dude, it's that chick I was telling you about!"

Ook walked over to her and said hello.

Ook: "This is my friend, Og."

Betsy: "Nice to meet you, Og."

Ook: "And this is Larry."

Betsy: "What a strange name. Oh! I almost forgot! I saw what happened with you and the elk and all that."

Og: "Yeah, we're about to go back and cut its antlers from the tree."

Betsy: "I already took care of it. I cut off the antlers and the flank and dragged it here."

Larry: "But, you're not strong enough to carry all that weight."

Betsy: "Yeah, but this story's getting long and we have to wrap it up. Oh, I also brought some of that honeycomb and sap you guys seemed to like. Dude, what was up with licking that tree."

Ook: "I..."

Betsy: "Pervert. That's ok, I like that about you."

Larry: "Say, that's quite an impressive set of antlers there. A 12 point buck. Give me that honeycomb and sap. I'm making a marinade."

Og: "Well, let's get the good china out! Larry, you're going to love this..."

Fast-forward to this evening. I'm patting a full stomach after having a steak dinner with my dad and his wife. My gums are throbbing, my teeth are aching and I can feel my chest hair growing. The sweet, buxom waitress brings us the check, and at that point, I connected with my primordial brothers. I, too, know what it's like to have a thick, juicy steak brought to me by a cute chick with a nice rack.

Great, now I'm hungry again.

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