The Agony of Da Feet

It's official. I have the worst feet in the history of bipedal locomotion.

A little history here:

When I was in second grade (maybe third grade. I'm just guessing here. This is what is known as artistic license), my brother, Dave, and I were goofing off in the front yard, running through the sprinkler. For those under the age of 25 who are reading this, kids used to play outside every now and then. I chased him into the house, but before I could cross the threshold, Dave slammed the door behind him - and onto my right foot. If you're cringing now, I don't need to tell you how excruciating the pain was. I pogoed all over the yard screaming so loudly I frightened the bark off the big tree out front. Fast forward to fourth grade when I jumped on an old door that was lying across the creek. My left heel was impaled by a rusty nail. More hopping, more screaming, more naked trees.

So, as you see, my feet have a love/hate relationship with me. We're going to fast-forward again (everyone pick a buddy and don't forget your sack lunch) to about 10 years ago. As you can tell, I wield time like a machete. My feet were slowly plotting my demise. Every step I took was getting more and more painful. When I woke up each morning and put my feet on the floor, it felt like I was standing on Ginsu steak knives. I finally had enough and went to see a specialist. It was then that I met Dr. David Haley.

Dr. Haley is a few years younger than me and had just recently taken over the world-famous practice of Dr. Contompasis (I hope I spelled that right). He had an Eastern European look to him and a warmth and humor of a children's party magician. He diagnosed me with Morton's Neuroma, and before you could say "Jack Robinson," had me in the hospital recovery room freshly relieved of the nerve tumors in my feet. After my final post-op visit, I was a little bummed. Dr. Haley was more than a doctor; he was a genuinely decent man who never let his degrees, profession or accomplishments disrupt the fact that medicine is more than surgery and drugs. It's about putting your patients at ease and genuinely caring about them. Never one to spare a wise crack, punch line or full belly laugh, Dr. Haley is the kind of person you'd want to have several thousand beers with on the weekend.

Last October, my feet staged another revolution. This time, we were going to take on my plantar fasciitis and heel spurs - on BOTH feet. If you've never experienced these monsters, it feels like you're giving birth through the soles of your feet. Yet, I was actually a little stoked about the fact I was going to be able to see Dr. Haley again. He operated on my right foot, and in December, he fixed the left foot. Never one to go gentle into that good night, I moved into a house at the end of February this year and, 30 minutes after the movers left, I took a header down the stairs, ass-over-tea kettle. I broke my ankle. Dr. Haley, ever diligent, ran every test possible in an effort to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. With all the frequent visitor points I accumulated, I am now the proud owner of several Polynesian islands and a fleet of jumbo jets. But, I always looked forward to my check ups. It was like spending time with an old college roommate and he listened - he actually listened - to my questions and even a few suggestions. Only a doctor secure enough in himself and his education would be so bold and accommodating.

On the rare occasions Dr. Haley wasn't available, his new partner in crime, Dr. Scott Reich, stepped right in without missing a beat. Young, confident and impossible to not like, having Dr. Reich tend to your issues was just as much a positive experience as having Dr. Haley there. If you were lucky, they were both in there with you. It was difficult going back to the workplace because I could have shot the breeze with them all day long. The staff are friendly and bubbly and you can just tell how much everyone really enjoyed their jobs and each other. I truly wish I could have Dr. Haley - or Dr. Reich - as my primary care physician. That's not a knock at my excellent general practitioner, Dr. Kenneth DeMarco, but I can't envision an evening of rolling off "Caddyshack" quotes like I can with them.

I was leaving a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and ran into Dr. Haley in the parking lot. He was with his gorgeous wife and their little daughter was 100 shades of adorable. He introduced me to his family, we had a couple of laughs and then parted ways. On my drive home, I was plotting different ways to hurt my feet. I could kick a boulder or drop a piano on it...maybe - and I know this sounds zany - I could get a corn or a wart or - dare I say it - a blister!

In the end, I figured I'd better play it safe and try to take care of my feet instead. And even though they have put me through hell, they did carry me to Dr. Haley, Dr. Reich and their incredible staff. Some might say I went to a great doctor and found a good friend.

I say, I found a good friend who just happened to be a great doctor.