Beer

Beer.

The mere mention of the word sends a generous portion of the population into a Homer Simpson full-body drool. It comes in many different forms and many different flavors. There's wheat beer, blueberry beer, near beer, clear beer (I'm looking at YOU, Zima) and there seems to be as many microbreweries in this country as there are endings to "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King."

Beer is there for our highest highs and our lowest lows. And just try viewing a picture of a gaggle of 20-somethings without the requisite presentation of beverage ("Hey, wait, let me get my beer in this shot!"). It can be sipped, quaffed and chugged. It can be, in the words of the aforementioned Homer Simpson, "the cause of, and solution for, life's problems."

But why this almost preternatural obsession with beer? It's not like people are as fanatical about pigs feet, marzipan or chocolate. Ok, maybe chocolate is a bad example. Substitute lima beans. Now that I've completely alienated the pigs feet, marzipan and lima bean members of the fan club we can deal with the target audience. I know I used the word "preternatural" earlier in this paragraph, but I really have no idea what that means, so I'll say that beer has an almost primordial connection with us carbon-based bipeds. Scientists have traced beer back to the ancient Sumerians (I'm making this up, if you couldn't tell) thousands of years before the birth of the guy who was born on the same day as Jesus. In case you're wondering, his name was Jacob - just like every third kid born these days.

Yet, known history doesn't REALLY have a grip on when beer was first brewed. I happen to have documented proof that beer was discovered LONG before that. So, let's step into the Wayback Machine and travel to a time before our grasp. Before salt & vinegar potato chips. Before unfiltered cigarettes. Before the designated hitter. All the way back to...

Ook: "Hey, Og, what do you want to do tonight?"

Og: "As little as possible."

Ook: "Man, you're such a cave potato. Remember when all the guys took down that mammoth over by the cliff? That was freaking awesome, man, and what did you do? You stayed inside painting these stupid buffalos on the walls..."

Og: "They're bison"

Ook: "Bison, whatever. It's not like anyone is going to see them. Personally, my goal is to be a spokesman for an insurance company. Your goal is to invent graffiti. Advantage Ook."

Og: "Didn't you ever think I was more of the cerebral type? I don't need to be out there trying to look good for the chicks when I'm happy doing my own thing."

Ook: "That's just it, Og, if you don't land yourself a babe, there'll be no one to carry on your legacy with...with...whatever this is you're doing."

Og: "Ok, you may have a point. What do you suggest?"

Ook: "Well, you're the shy type, so you need something to give you courage."

Larry: "Why don't you two cupcakes invent beer?"

Ook: "Beer! That's it!"

Og: "How do you make beer?"

Larry: "Follow me, ladies."

Larry took them to the back of the cave and to a little room off to the left. Inside, they found some large clay pots with pictures scrawled on the side.

Ook: "Og, did you paint these?"

Og: "Not me."

Larry: "$15 - Crate and Barrel. Sidewalk sale."

Ook: "What's this picture on the first pot? Looks like a rabbit."

Larry: "Hops. Get it?"

Og: "This one says "Malt" on it. I'm guessing there was no picture for malt. And this looks like a bundle of barley."

Ook: "Barley? Where the hell did you pull that out of? If I asked 100 people, they'd probably say wheat or hay or just grunt and pick insects off each other. The LAST thing they would say is that is was barley."

Larry: "It's barley."

Ook: "Son of a... Ok, I suppose the liquid in this pot is some emulsifying agent." He cups his hand, dips it in and takes a slurp. "It tastes like water. Hey, this is great! We can drink this stuff all day long!"

Larry: "Um, it's water."

Og: "Ook, maybe you should just shut up right about now."

Larry went on to explain the brewing process. How yeast is important to the process, how to heat pasteurize and how Coor's Light has as much in common with beer as crotch sweat. Then he showed them how to properly pour it, how to remove the label from the bottle without tearing it and, most importantly, the art of Speed Quarters.

So, or heroes, Ook and Og, proceeded to drink. And drink. And drink some more...

Ook: "And I, and I, think you're really talented and all...I think that...I don't know what I think."

Og: "no, no, I know what you mean. I'm just trying to express myself by expressing myself to express what I'm... Um, what was I saying?"

Ook: "I love you, man."

From the other room came Larry's voice.

Larry: "Homos!"

Ook: "Sapiens, dude! Get it, get it right!"

Og: "I think Larry has some repressed issues."

Ook: "Yeah, it's like he's never crapped in his hand and wiped it on his buddy as a joke."

Og: "..."

Ook: "Um, yeah....hey, let's get come ladies over here."

As disgusted as Og felt now, the prospect of meeting girls immediately put him in a great mood. So, our intrepid protagonists searched about for something to carry their beers. Og dug around and produced two mugs and handed one to Ook.

Og: "Graduation present."

They filled their mugs and strode out to the mouth of the cave where they casually sipped their beverages while watching the sun set in the sky. Ook turned his head slightly towards Og.

Ook: "Happy hour, dude."

Og: "Man, there are no chicks around here. Not like the old days."

Ook looked at the mug in his hands.

Ook: "You went to Duke?"

Og: "Yeah. Film degree. I'll be in on the ground floor when that's invented. Now let me tell you about pretty girls - smart, too."

Ook: "Dude, I would have totally ruled there. They would have called me Ook from Duke or the Ook of Earl."

Og: "No, we would have called you Jackass"

Ook: "Yeah, and I would have called you...hey, isn't that Betsy?"

Betsy, known in these stories as the cute cavegirl from over the hills on whom Og has a massive crush, came traipsing on by.

Betsy: "Hey, fellahs, I see you invented beer."

Ook: "Yeah, just invented it today. Want some?"

Betsy: "Do you have any light beer?"

Og: "Um, maybe tomorrow. But try it anyway."

Og gave her his mug. Betsy took a sip. Then a drink. Then she slammed the rest down her throat and handed it back to Og.

Betsy: "Yeah, as if YOU got into Duke! Ha!"

Og: "I DID!"

Betsy: "I know you did. I just like getting you riled up. You're cute when your hair stands up on end."

From the cave came Larry's voice.

Larry: "Betsy and Og, sittin' in a tree..."

Og: "Shut up, Larry!"

Betsy (laughing): "Yeah, Larry, I'll come in there and kick you in the ding-ding!"

Larry: "I've got your ding-ding right here."

Betsy: "Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you! My cousins are coming in tonight. You'll get a chance to meet them."

Ook (under his breath, to Og): "Great, I'll bet it's Sasquatch and Yeti. You know how I can't stand a chick who is hairier than me."

Og: Yeah, but on the other hand, they could be.."

From their left came a loud, high-pitched scream. Followed by the word..."

Angie: "Hooker! You're such a hooker, Betsy!"

Ook and Og, grabbed their ears in pain as two very cute cavegirls came running over to Betsy. They screamed, hugged and said "Oh my God!" a lot.

Larry: "Jesus Jumpin' Christ, will you kill whatever is making that racket out there and put it - and me - out of its misery!"

Betsy: "Ook, Og, these are my cousins, Angie and Kim."

Ook: "Well hellooooo, ladies."

Kim: "This one must be Ook. Yeah, we heard about you."

Angie: "And this must be Og. Betsy's told us ALL about YOU."

Betsy: "Shut up, Angie!"

Kim: "I heard you invented beer."

Og: "How did you know that?"

Angie: "You know the guy writing this story? Well, he wrote us into this story, so we got to see everything he wrote so far."

Og: "Makes sense."

Larry emerged from the cave and brought beers out for everyone.

Larry: "Here. Use these to fill up the holes under your nose."

Betsy: "Wait, aren't you going to join us?"

Larry: "Are you kidding? I don't want to have anything to do with this story."

So, Ook, Og, Betsy, Angie and Kim sat around the mouth of the cave, talking about everything and nothing.

Kim: "So, I think I'm going to take a year off and go to Europe."

Ook: "Um, Kim, we're all on the same continent, Pangea. The continents won't split for thousands of more years."

Kim: "Whatever."

Og: "Ook is hooked on Wikipedia. Can't spell "hooked" without "Ook."

Angie: "Can't spell "hooker" without it either! You're such a hooker, Betsy! But I love you!" Then she hugged her.

Ook (leaning over to Og, whispering): "Please kiss, please kiss, please kiss!"

The evening went on like that, more or less, until the front of the cave looked like the remnants of a stampede at a Grateful Dead concert, with empty beer containers, limp shaggy bodies and an eye-watering stench bringing down cave values all along the block. Slowly, the silence was broken as, one by one, each of them stirred and tried to haul themselves up into a sitting position. Except for Ook, who was asleep in Kim's lap.

Betsy: "Ugh! I can't remember a THING about last night."

Angie: "Beer! I don't know if I love it or hate it. Right now, I hate it."

Og: "Looks like someone had a good time." He points at Ook in Kim's lap.

Kim: "Get up! Get up, you freak!" She slaps him on the head.

Ook (smiling slightly): "Oh, I. um, was listening for buffalo."

Og: "Bison."

Ook: "Whatever."

Betsy: "Look, guys, we have to get going. Og, I'll stop by later so you can show me your paintings."

Ook: "Why you little devil" Og just beamed.

From the cave they heard a familiar voice.

Larry: "Well, well, well, look what we have here!"

Angie: "What IS that thing?"

Larry: "It's a digital camera. Invented it while you yahoos were getting hammered last night."

He held it up to his face and was looking at the pictures he took that night. Then he started laughing, quietly at first, and then louder and longer as tears started rolling down his cheeks. Then he turned and disappeared into the cave saying, "what a bunch of idiots."

Kim: "You know, I kind of preferred if actually DID stay out of the story."

The three cavegirls stood up, swept themselves off with their hands, tried to fix their hair with their fingers and said their goodbyes. Then they started off towards the hills.

Ook: "I think that Kim chick was digging me."

Og: "You think everyone digs you. You probably think I dig you."

Ook: "You do. I'm the Sapien and you're the..."

Og: "Enough!"

They cleaned up the front of the cave as the sound of Larry's laughter continued to echo out of the darkness.

Og: "Well, I think that went well. What do you think, Ook?"

Ook: "Another step forward for mankind. We'll be famous, Og, just like that God dude."

Og: "That guy? That dude's more arrogant than you, and that's saying something."

Ook: "I'll give it to you that he's anal-retentive, but did you see that garden he's building? It's huge..."

Og: "Yeah, but he won't let anyone inside it because...WHOA!"

Ook: "Holy crap, look at the size of that snake! Quick! Grab it by the head!"

Og: "You grab it by the head, Steve Irwin."

So, Ook flanked it, crouched and leaped on the snake, clasping his hands around its mouth,

Og: "I think it's trying to talk."

Ook: "That's silly, who ever heard of a talking snake. Hey! Let's throw it on Larry! He'll freak!"

Og: "Nah, he'll probably philosophize it to death. I have an idea, let's throw it in that garden that power trip freak is building."

So, our self-righteous heroes set off across the field to the edge of the garden with the snake trying to wriggle away. As they came closer, they noticed a thin wire mesh around the perimeter. There was a sign.

Og: "Don't eat the apples. Violators will be prosecuted."

Ook: "I wish we had TWO snakes now."

With that, they swung the snake back and forth and on the count of three, they flung the animal over the fence and into the garden.

Ook: "That's the last we'll hear of that."

As they walked back to the cave and the sun began to rise in the sky, Ook turned to Og and asked,

Ook: "So, what are you up to today?"

Og: "Painting."

Ook: "Bison?"

Og: "Bison." And they both chuckled. "What about you?"

Ook: "I'm making jerky."

Og: "Any plans for tonight?"

Ook: "Haven't really thought about it." He looked at Og, mischievously. "Wanna get drunk?"

Og: "Ook, old pal, you read my mind. I guess beer DOES bring you closer to God."

As they approached the mouth of the cave, Larry was sitting outside on a rock, strumming a guitar.

Ook: "Larry, what the hell is..."

Larry: "It's a guitar. I invented it while you were taking that snake over to the garden. Look, if you're going to take credit for inventing beer, I want a piece of the action, so I invented the drinking song. Now sit on down and have a listen:

My head is pounding a symphony
Couch pillows on the floor.
I reach for my bottle of sympathy
And catch my shirt tail on the door.

Looking down at my day-old clothes
They looked great on last night.
How I made it home, nobody knows.
I could have sworn my socks were white.

Oh, the aspirin takes forever, I must've taken nine or ten.
I promise myself never will I ever drink again.

I was dancing like Astaire
With Ginger's leaps and bounds.
I was so drunk I did not care
She weighed three hundred pounds.

I was kissing porcelain,
My head was wet with sweat.
I wiped the dribble from my chin,
I night I'd just as soon forget.

Oh, the aspirin takes forever, I must've taken nine or ten.
I promise myself never will I ever drink again.

Oh, I'll never ever learn my lesson
And I'll probably get into a fight.
There won't be no second-guessin'
...............................'cause I'll be gettin' drunk tonight!

Oh, the aspirin takes forever, I must've taken nine or ten.
I promise myself never will I ever drink again!"

Og: "Know what, Ook? I'm beginning to hate Larry."