Inside the Actors Studio With Scooby Doo

I was flipping through the channels one day when I happened upon a program that caught my eye. It was "Inside the Actors Studio" with the irrepressible James Lipton. If you've ever seen this program, you can skip the rest of this paragraph and get right to the comedy, which starts in paragraph number two. Lipton interviews various actors, directors, writers, musicians - basically anyone in the "business" who carries a SAG card and has made multiple covers of People Magazine.

On this particular program, he was interviewing one of my childhood favorites. He's still working today and he hasn't changed a bit in the past 40 years. And I lied to you; the comedy doesn't start in paragraph number two. But, then again, you'll believe anything you read or hear, won't you?

James Lipton: "He's beloved by millions of children all over the world, and just as beloved by the parents of those children. He's appeared on television, in movies, on lunch boxes and on bubble bath bottles. He has a bottomless appetite and never seems to gain a pound, but if you mention "pound" to him, he might just get your ghost. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Scooby Doo."

Scooby Doo: "Hello, James, lovely to see you."

JL: "A pleasure, sir. I must ask you about your voice. It does not resonate with the character you have played lo these past 40 years."

SD: "I'm glad you asked that, James. Like William Shatner and Bob Denver, I have 'become' the character I played to many - if not all - of the viewers. It is a cross I have come to bear, but I also realize it's what has afforded me the most lavish of lifestyles, including ringside seats, prompt seating at Nobu and the end piece of the meatloaf."

JL: "Fascinating stuff. Tell me, were there any on-set tensions between you and your cast mates?"

SD: "Keep in mind we, like you, are cartoons. But, even as cartoons, we're not above the occasional row."

JL: "Do go on."

SD: "Let me get this out of the way: Shaggy reeks. He smells like he looks. He would scare the soap right off the rope. He smells like a strip of uncooked bacon your grandmother dropped behind the stove in 1940 - and went unnoticed until you threw her into the old age ghetto 60 years later."

JL: "But, you seemed like such good chums on the show."

SD: "Two words: Hydroponic Chronic. The man smelled like a Cub Scout's drawers after camping for several weeks but he sure knew how to grow the kind bud. Half the ghosts you saw on that show was the result of us tripping."

JL: "Now I know a lot has been surmised about the relationship between Daphne and Fred. Care to elaborate?"

SD: "Fred was as cut-throat as they come and Daphne couldn't tell you the color of orange juice, but they would disappear as soon as the hunt was on and conveniently reappear at the end when everything was sorted out. I can't tell you how many damned purple dresses she went through because of what we now call "Lewinsky" marks."

JL: "Moving along. Thelma. Now I find her a fascinating character."

SD: "Saw this one coming a mile away, Lipton. She was straight."

JL: "But, she seemed like such a champion for young girls and people of alternative lifestyles."

SD: "So was Wonder Woman. Look, do you have any idea what was hiding under that gigantic sweater? Two of the roundest, most delicious, strawberry-tipped scoops of vanilla ice cr..."

JL: "Fascinating. Tell me - the Mystery Machine; Was it as 'groovy' on the inside as it was on the outside?"

SD: "Look, Lipton, if you interrupt me again, I'll bite your face off. Yeah, the Mystery Machine had all the candy on the inside: mini-bar, water bed, the works. I preferred sitting on the floor, however."

JL: "You were a purist, I take it? Suffering for you art?"

SD: "Purist, nothing. Ever sit on one of those hard seats on a school bus - especially near the back? It was very "uplifting," if you get my drift. It was instant Red..."

JL: "I'm sure that..."

SD: "Rocket. Say it, Lipton! Say it!"

JL: "Very well. Red Rocket."

SD: "Thank you. Anyway, it was a total chick magnet. Any time we rolled into a new town, the local girls would go crazy. We had to kick Shaggy out to get any action at all."

JL: "Even Velma?"

SD: "I told you Velma was straight. Anyway, it was Daphne who swung both ways. Mind if I smoke?"

JL: "How could I? Now, you have had myriad guests on your show, such as the Three Stooges, Batman and Robin and The Addams Family."

SD: "Pretty ****ed up, isn't it? Oh, can I say "****" on here? I mean, it IS cable."

JL: "Go on, please. We'll edit around it."

SD: "Ok, first of all, the Three Stooges were all but dead or farting dust by that time. Batman and Robin could have solved any of those mysteries themselves and let us play Mousetrap for bong hits in the hotel room. And the Addams Family? Oh yeah, THAT'S what we need - something creepier than the Phantom on OUR side. Don't even get me started on "Special Guest: Don Knotts." We may as well have had "Special Guest: Cousin Oliver from the last season of the Brady Bunch" instead."

JL: "How did you know who the Phantom was on every show?"

SD: "Look, Lipton, any time you see an adult at the beginning of the show, chances are THAT is the bad guy. And they all had the same voice. It was always the caretaker or the old retainer or it was Fred being a smartass and setting someone up to take the fall."

JL: "You mean Fred was..."

SD: "A blackmail artist, yes. He had Polaroids of the entire cartoon underground."

JL: "So, you eventually branched out with some new concepts. It must have been an exciting time. For example, there was your nephew, Scrappy Doo."

SD: (silence)

JL: "Mr. Doo, I wonder if..."

SD: "Are you trying to hurt me, Lipton? Are you? Because if you are, we can throw down right here, right now!"

JL: "My apologies. I retract the question."

SD: "You do that."

JL: "Now, it is that time of the program where we ask our guests ten questions and see what their responses are off the tops of their heads."

SD: "Yeah, I never knew THIS was coming. It's not like I didn't have time to pre-plan my answers."

JL: "Very good. First, What is your favorite word?"

SD: "**********"

JL: "Um, ok..."

SD: "It's really a compound word. But it's one of Carlin's."

JL: "What is your least favorite word?"

SD: "Toenails. Have you ever seen nice toenails? I mean, they're pretty disgusting. There are no pretty toenails - just ones that aren't as disgusting as say, your grandfather's."

JL: "What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?"

SD: "Watching Velma in the shower. To her, I was just a dumb dog, but let me tell you something, Lipton, that crotch-sniffing we dogs do is ANYTHING but innocent."

JL: "I feel a bit sick. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?"

SD: "You."

JL: "Me? Why is that?"

SD: "Well, Sherlock, this whole gig you have set up was so you could feel part of an industry that otherwise wants nothing to do with you. You're like some sort of celebrity vampire leeching off our fame and fortune just so you can tell the guys at Jiffy Lube, when they're changing the oil in your 1988 Toyota, "Guess what? I'm close personal friends with Pauly Shore." Face it, Lipton, if it wasn't for this cushy gig, you'd be the assistant manager at Radio Shack or selling porn comics to minors for 'favors'."

JL: "I admire your brutal honesty. Tell me, what sound or noise do you love?"

SD: "The whistle of a sniper's bullet as it tears through that over-ripe melon of a head of yours. My God, it's perfectly round! You make Charlie Brown look like Beeker from The Muppet Show. Oh, and I also like the sound of a freshly opened beer can, Star Wars light sabers when they clash and the sound the lint guard makes on the clothes dryer when you pull it out to clean it - something you've probably never done."

JL: "You're a cynical dog, Mr. Doo."

SD: "Tell me about it."

JL: "What sound or noise do you hate?"

SD: "I would say your voice, but that's a lay up. I'll tell you what noise I hate. I hate the sound of liquid being poured into a glass. It's so precious and delicate that I want to poop all over the carpet. Your carpet. And kissing. The sound you humans make when you kiss. Not you, mind you, as the closest you've come to kissing someone else was playing Truth or Dare with your cousin Steven. Kissing noises sound like the ass of a person trying to extricate itself from a mound of wet clay. I should know. I've caught Fred doing all kinds of weird sh..."

JL: "What is your favorite curse word?"

SD: "****," just like everyone else."

JL: "A moment ago, you said your favorite WORD was an actual curse word."

SD: "I'm an artist, Lipton, I'm full of contradictions. This is dragging. How many more of these do we have, chief?"

JL: "Three more. Tell us, Mr. Doo, what profession other than your own would you like to attempt?"

SD: "I think I'd like to something with children. Maybe write children's books. Brainwash the kids and turn them into my army of terror."

JL: "Inspiring. What profession would you not like to do?"

SD: "President. I like to keep things on the down-low. Besides, I'm a dog and if I was elected, I could see Vladimir Putin tossing Scooby Snacks at me until I let him put nuclear warheads on the White House lawn. Those things are addictive. I'm a hedonist. Sue me."

JL: "If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

SD: "I'd like to tell me that movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven" isn't fiction. But, in all seriousness, I want to hear him do his impression of me. Imagine that, the most powerful entity ever known reduced to say, "Rut roh, Raggy!" Yeah, that would be the stuff."

JL: "Well, I'd like to thank you for being our guest this evening, Mr. Doo. You candor is matched only by your rancor. Do drop by again sometime, won't you?"

SD: "Tell you what, sport, I'm leaving a piece of me with you as we speak."

JL: "My goodness! That smells awful."

SD: "Um, that's not me. It's Shaggy. He's your next guest and he's right behind you."

It's a sad thing when you get to see your childhood heroes up close and in their real personalities. It's like finding out Dad was really Santa Claus, mom was really the Tooth Fairy and Ted Danson was wearing a toupee. It's all an illusion we happily buy into for fear of the truth being less than savory. It's about honesty and truth and being able to trust others to say what they mean and mean what they say and to suspend your disbelief for the little fantasies and disillusionments that we allow ourselves without completely disconnecting from the real world. It's about allowing yourself to be innocent again and believing what you're told.

It's all right there in the second paragraph.