Rate Your Mate by Trait

I just finished reading a little article out of Toronto that asked men and women around the world what they considered the most important trait is in a mate. I'm always amused by these types of studies because I wonder if they consider the fact that an answer to a pollster might not be the answer they would get after a truth serum kegger. Ask a guy on the streets, any guy on any street in Anytown, U.S.A., what he feels is the most important trait in a mate (or potential mate), and he's liable to belch a cloud of lunch meat breath at you and say, "big tits!" while concaving his palms and crooking his fingers and holding them over his chest, in case you needed visual confirmation. Ask his equally charming buddy, and he'd come at you with, "she had better have a GREAT ass!" while using the same hand formation and looking like he's stroking both ends of an invisible watermelon. Then, they would get into a philosophical discussion about their respective favorite female body parts, acknowledge each others' favorite choices, and turn to see the pollster had disappeared an ago to bang his or her head against the table of the nearest Internet cafe.

The five choices given in the survey of what is most important were, Sense of Humor, Brains, Good Looks, Religion/Race (which should have been two categories), and Money. These questions were asked to people on six different continents. I assume Antarctica, even with its trendy discos, upscale real estate, and its tres-chic theater district, wasn't included because it is practically all white and wouldn't give a broad enough cross-section of races. Then again, I don't imagine they went into the deepest parts of Africa, either, preferring to cherry-pick South Africa and maybe Morocco. Can't really see them getting too many responses from the religious fundamentalists in the Middle East, or the high altitude people who live in the Himalayas. Basically, I think, they selected their sample population sources from places that had a roaring nightlife, easy access to Ecstasy, and was populated by too-cool people who wouldn't be caught dead without a fashionable scarf (both male and female) and a designer coffee in their hands.

Now, the survey I took was only inclusive of the five choices above. Let's take a look of those five choices individually (and the percentages of what people considered most important traits), shall we?


Sense of Humor (55%)

Right off the bat, I'm thrown for a loop. 55%? Are you kidding me? I guess we can all tear up those gym memberships, put off those tummy tucks, trade in that Mercedes for an economy car, and enroll in a stand-up comedy class. I see a huge number like 55% and I'm half tempted to walk up to a pretty gal and tell a knock-knock joke - court order be damned. Now, I'm not going to bash the opposite sex here, but one thing I have learned from all the women I have known over the years, is yeah, they love a guy with a sense of humor - as long he is a good-looking guy. I was voted Class Clown for my stellar work in high school for a number of years, but I didn't have any homecoming queens or cheerleaders stuffing their panties with their phone numbers written on them into my pocket when they passed me in the hall. Even as an adult, if sense of humor is your long suit (and maybe your only suit), and if you don't have the looks, money, or position of status, women will generally look at you like you remind them of their creepy uncle if you ask them out. You know the uncle I'm talking about - the one your mother wouldn't let be alone with you in the same room. Men are no less guilty, but in a different way. Men generally size up women by imagining them naked first. Not saying that women don't do the same thing, but we're more consistent. It's our nature. To a man, a woman with a sense of humor isn't someone who is humorous, but, rather, someone who will laugh at his jokes. It makes our egos erect, and I don't care what anyone says - the quickest way to a man's heart is through his ego. So, you see, men who answered "Sense of Humor" as being the most desirable trait have already assumed that she would be pleasing to his eye when she is naked and selected "Sense of Humor" as a self-serving answer. Not too many guys are going to tell their buddies about a new girl they're seeing and lead with, "well, she's got the greatest sense of humor..." All they care about is how she looks naked.


Brains (22%)

Brains actually hooks into Sense of Humor, but they're not reflexive. To have a genuinely sharp sense of humor, you have to be reasonably smart. You have to be sharp, astute, and nimble. That's not to say Stephen Hawking would keep you in stitches talking about his Unified Field Theory. Many people who are just flat-out geniuses never bothered to dust off that part of their DNA. But, let's be frank here. Smart people are intimidating to a lot of people - even smart people. But, ask yourself, are we talking about book smarts or life smarts? Sure, there's the person who can spend the entire date talking about the Defenestration of Prague but not know they have to change the oil in their cars. Similarly, there are people who can take apart an entire small block engine, rebuild blindfolded, and think Oscar Wilde is the name of an Academy Awards preview show. My guess is that, for women, it's a guy who can fix the car when it breaks down AND find all the legal tax loopholes on your income tax return. For men, it's a woman who can complete the Sunday crossword puzzle that he couldn't finish as well understanding that the play-action pass is dependent on a strong running game. She also has to look good naked.


Good Looks (13%)

Well, we finally get to the nitty gritty - the only people who answered this question truthfully. We men are visual creatures and there's no getting around it. That's not to say women are not visual creatures, either. The combined 77% of Sense of Humor and Brains doesn't even get past the screen door unless Good Looks are involved. Let's not kid ourselves here, folks. It is what it is. There is a vanity that comes into play. We are all vain to some degree and some only care what a person looks like on their arm. Many women are quick to note that they once dated someone who wasn't incredibly handsome; but notice they aren't dating that person anymore. The more attractive a woman is, the more attractive a mate she feels she DESERVES to have. No one DESERVES an attractive mate. Just because you work out, honey, doesn't give you manifest destiny to be with a hunk. And fellas, we're no different. In fact, men are generally worse, as we trade in our aging beauties for newer models. Remember, when women age, they get old - at least that's how many women and men feel; when men age, we become "distinguished" or some nonsense like that. Baloney. Generally, women who go for older men are attracted to the power they possess in business or socially. Older men leverage that position and end up with a new girlfriend and alimony payments. But, the tide is turning. More and more women are grabbing men younger than them - in some cases, MANY years younger, so if you thought this was a man's game, you're living in the past. There is definitely a caste system in effect when it comes to looks. You're either the Sneetches with Stars or the Sneetches without Stars upon Thars. We are a shallow society trying to convince ourselves that we look beyond the surface, but when we are buying a new car, we only look at the kick-ass stereo if we like what the car looks like on the outside first.


Religion/Race (6%)

The fact that this rated higher than money tells me a couple things: a) That some people will not date someone from outside their religion or race, which is due to a conditioned prejudice, a fear of what family and/or friends would think, or the fact that they are just that committed to a future household where certain basic values are ensured; or b) the people who wanted to select "Money" actually chose "Sense of Humor" to make them feel less guilty about showing their true colors. For those who chose "Religion/Race," I actually believe them. This wasn't the glamorous choice and it certainly was the least sexy.


Money (4%)

Like the Good Looks category, I also think that these people answered 100% honestly. They didn't care that they looked like gold diggers, regardless of gender, they were straight out, saying, "I want a man (or woman) to provide a luxurious lifestyle for me, and I don't want to work." Nothing wrong with that. I'm sure most of us would like that, but Money is not a personal characteristic. Money has no sense of humor, has no intelligence, isn't going to win any bodybuilding or wet T-shirt contests, and it belongs to no race or religion. Anyone who selected Money as the most important trait pretty much doesn't care about the person - only themselves. Women were pretty much shoved in this direction for decades, if not centuries, to marry someone who could take care of them and provide for them. How else do you explain when a women meets a new guy, the first thing they mention is the man's occupation? What a silly, childish thing to do. They might mention his car(s), house(s), how much he makes, etc. when the most important thing is how he treats her. Mentioning that other stuff off the bat is for immature teenagers. As for men, they look at it as a free ride to raid her father's 100-year-old scotch, buy as many toys as possible, and STILL cheat on her. Why? Because sudden wealth can change everything.

Even if she looks good naked.