Tele-bitchin'

It's time to take another pitchforked lunge at a common enemy. That enemy is television. It sure as hell is common and it is my enemy. Time was when you could flip on the tube and be treated to any number of decent television programs. We didn't have cable, VCRs, or...

...hold it a second. No time for meandering. Here is my beef: There are too damned many pretty people on television. I was driving around and decided to get a bite to eat at a local hash-sling joint. When I dine alone, I want something to read. Hell, when I dine with others, sometimes I'd rather have something to read. I went to the convenience store to pick up some harmless piece of periodical nonsense. The selection was slim. I read the newspaper earlier that day, so my choices were either hot rod magazines with a vacant blonde bending over a souped-up Chevy, stupid teen girl magazines with the Queen of the Idiot Clowns, Jessica Simpson, on the cover, or Entertainment Weekly (EW). When faced with choosing the lesser evil, you still choose evil. My evil was EW.

I cruised into the restaurant and into the thoroughly uninteresting booth by the window. To my horror, when I looked at the cover of the magazine, it was the Fall Television Preview DOUBLE issue. Just think, I could have been looking at chrome manifolds or learning about where Nick likes to be scratched. So, I took several deep breaths and opened it up.

I was expecting bad. What I saw was worse. Is it me or is every non-reality show about cops, doctors, lawyers or sitcoms where the father is a freaking idiot, the wife is the corner-of-the-mouth voice of reason, and the multiple wise-cracking kids are thoroughly unfunny? I don't know about you, but the last people I want to be rubbing elbows with at the strip club as we're doing body shots off of dancers are cops, doctors or lawyers. I am sure there are some of each who are certified hell-raisers, but, in general, I'd much rather hang out with guys who don't have a professional code of ethics - and I especially don't want to throw in my lot with people who continually BREAK their codes of ethics when they're off the job.

And where in God's name are the ugly people? See, this was my problem with "Friends." I need to see ugly people on a show for me to buy into it even a LITTLE bit. That's why M*A*S*H, Cheers and Northern Exposure worked for me. Ugly people. Not vomit-inducing ugly, but at least not the kind that people would be fantasizing about while they're in the bath tub.

All the men on television now have to be steely-eyed, slightly-unshaven, muscular hunks. All the women have to be tall, leggy, sexual bitches who always "get what they want." EVERYONE! Even the ugly people are several levels more attractive than you or I could ever dream to be. I can see the pitch meetings, "It'll involve a family of lawyers/cops/doctors. One will be the rebel, another the practical joker, still another the straight-laced one with a dark secret, and the fourth will be the strong, sensitive one. Oh, and of course, they have to all be drop-dead gorgeous."

How breathtakingly boring.

I want to think that television studios are complete jackasses for continually putting garbage like this on the airwaves, but, they're just sating the appetites of an even more idiotic American public. Yes, the American public is full of complete idiots who watch shows like this. Then again, if the networks just went with good programming and didn't try to pander to the lowest common denominator by emphasizing story over aesthetics, then...

...get a hold of yourself, man! You're talking nonsense! We all know that will never happen. Fully 75% of those beautiful people have zero talent whatsoever. They could always earn some scratch by hiring themselves out as mannequins for cut-rate dry goods stores. At least we could buy into believing that

Commercials for these shows are a joke, too. The MTV-style editing is annoying and unnecessary. It's not new or cutting-edge anymore, and it does not heighten our desire to watch the show. If anything, it turns us off from ever wanting to tune in. Sometimes there is a too-serious-to-be-taken-seriously voice-over person who cannot possibly buy into what he's saying and the whole thing wraps up with the ensemble cast all copping that laughable "tough-guy" and "tough-chick" pose. You know the one where they pull the arrogant bitch-face and dramatically cross their arms like it is supposed to impress us. Wow.

Can't we just have a show where people look like us - stupid, ugly and out of shape? Well, besides game shows, that is. Mr. (and Ms.) Television Studio Executive, America is only as stupid as you make us, and right now, you are the Prometheus of stupidity-as-entertainment in America. If every act of destruction is indeed an act of creation, then please destruct us with a little more class.

(I actually held back in my rant, otherwise I could have really been ugly.)

(But then, I'd never get to be on TV.)