Big Shoes to Fill

I have some shocking news. Now, I'm not one to believe in ghosts, UFOs or truly fat-free frozen yogurt, but, I stumbled upon something that has made me re-think all that stuff. At first, I wanted to believe, but as I became older and more cynical, I drifted further away from having faith. Faith in another being. Faith in a greater power. Faith in something where I required physical proof. Now, that faith is restored.

I believe in Bigfoot.

Now, I'm not some run-of-the-mill whack-job conspiracy theorist, but I came across something while walking through the woods one day that certifies my claim. I found his journal. Well, some pages from his journal, at least. From what I could gather, he is left-handed and makes big loops on his lowercase "L"s. The title page, which was the clincher, said:

Name: Bigfoot Hanover

Birthdate: June 3rd

I couldn't make out the rest of the page because it looked like he dropped it in the mud. I couldn't decide what was more curious - that his last name is Hanover or that he is a Gemini. Eventually, I decided that the most interesting thing was that he didn't put his year of birth on the title page, which leads me to believe someone is long-suited in the vanity department. Fortunately, I have some pages that were easy to read, and I'd like to share some of them with you here.

"July 17th - Mood: Contemplative

First day of vacation. Stopped off at mini-mart for powdered donuts. Now I have powder all over me. If they wouldn't makes those things so damned small and easy to eat...Oh well, couldn't get the fire started so ate the Dinty Moore beef stew cold. Good to be out here amongst nature. Lots of bees. I'll write more tomorrow."

"July 19th - Mood: Wiped Out

Meant to get back to this yesterday. Smoked a joint and was singing "Mr. Tamborine Man" was last thing I remember. Woke up half-in/half-out of tent. Had some of Mom's brownies but no milk. Bummed me out. Cheryl's supposed to stop by and she better bring the beer. Last time, she brought Coor's Light and I almost knocked her across the lake. Humidity is a beast today. Thinking I should have got a haircut before I left. Thank God for satellite radio. I'd go nuts without Howard Stern. Wish I brought toilet paper. Using old hot rod magazine. Nap sounds good right about now."

"July 20th - Mood: Pissed Off

Rained last night. Guess who forgot to roll up the windows in the Miata? Can't get cell phone service out here and haven't heard from Cheryl. I THINK I told her I was going to be at this state park. Went fishing and caught nothing. Came back and squirrels were in my food. The Pringles were saved, but the salt & vinegar chips were toast. REALLY regretting not bringing the toilet paper. Have to tune the guitar because the rain warped the neck. Thought I heard something near my tent last night. Had my 5-iron ready to go. Damn, I'd even drink Coor's Light right now."

"July 21st - Mood: Things Looking Up

Watched "Family Guy" on the laptop last night. Cheryl arrived this morning with beer AND toilet paper. What a life saver! Having brie, grapes and pinot noir for lunch. Normally don't drink during the day, and when I do, it's usually a wine cooler or two. Wondering how the guys back in the office are doing. Have to get together with Phil for racquetball next Thursday. Cheryl mentioned something about "our relationship" and "where is it going?" Tuned her out. Told her I'll let her know when we get back. Kept telling me that her eyes were "up here". Wonder how my fantasy baseball team is doing."

"July 23rd - Mood: ?????

This chick is getting on my nerves. Used all my fresh water to wash her hair. Oh, yeah, right, if I only had that luxury out here. Found a tick on my leg and I about freaked. Cheryl wanted to burn it off me. I asked her if she had lost her mind and - get this - SHE got pissed off at ME! Should have dated her sister - she's a Republican. These hippie chicks have too much attitude and always smell like patchouli. Plus, they hardly ever shave their legs. I don't know who's hairier, her or me. Have to give her kudos on the tuna steak, though, and she DID bring out the tequila. Don't know if we're meant to be together, though. I can see it now. The first thing she'll want to do is throw out my Christina Aguiliera posters. What can I say? I dig her music. So sue me. Have to remember to take a look at that condo in town."

"July 24th - Mood: Relaxed

Last day of vacation. Had to get rid of the tangerines. They were getting moldy. Found a spider in the tent and had Cheryl kill it. Good to get back to nature, roughing it like this. My flip-flops smell like smoke. Dig it. Dreading going back to the office. Probably have a thousand emails and I'll bet half of them are jokes from Phil. Need to check eBay for that bike tire. Looking forward to a latte and a cruller. Think I'll put the top down on the Miata. Could swear I heard something in the woods last night. Kind of embarrassed that I woke up and let one rip before I remembered Cheryl was still in the tent. This might be the "out" I was looking for. Be good to sleep in my own bed again."

So, as you can see, Bigfoot is real and he's a savage monster. You won't find me in the woods without a big gun and a pack of angry dogs. Take a tip from me. If you find yourself alone in the woods and you hear something moving in the bushes, make sure you have a roll of toilet paper. It could save your life.